Heartbeats and Heartbreaks
by catlover5040
Summary: He didn't have much time left. If he wanted to do something, he had to do it soon. Very angsty Lassiet. Tag to 5x08, 5x10, and 5x16.


**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN PSYCH! :D **

**A/N: So, the muse just would not let me off on this one. I know I have quite a lot of unfinished stories right now, but you don't know my muse. She's vicious. She handcuffed me to a radiator until I agreed to write it, so, here it is. I don't like it all that much now that I wrote it, but I wrote it, so I'm sharing it with you guys. Please R/R!**

* * *

When he first met Juliet O'Hara, he wasn't quite sure what to think of her. She was so friendly and cheerful and... _happy._

He was captivated by her. He had refused to admit it, of course, even to himself. On the job, you weren't supposed to show emotion, and you _certainly _weren't supposed to feel affection towards your new partner. After his disastrous relationship with Lucinda, he learned that better than he could ever have imagined.

But four years after he met her, he found himself standing on a clocktower, cradling a sobbing Juliet in his arms. That was the first time he realized it, the first time he allowed himself to realize exactly how much he loved her. That feeling that _she _relied on him, that _she _needed him more than anyone or anything else in the universe...

So, eight months later, why was he still hesitating? Why wasn't he allowing himself to jump in with both feet?

It was fear. Lucinda had been transferred after they were found out, and if O'Hara was transferred, what would he do?

He didn't have much time left. If he wanted to do something, he had to do it soon.

* * *

"O'Hara." He walked up to her desk, his heart pounding.

"Carlton?" she looked up with the blue eyes that were usually so innocent and happy. After her ordeal with Yin, though, she was never as happy anymore. She always seemed so scared and paranoid and worried.

"I was wondering if, um..." he shifted uncomfortably.

"Yes?" she pressed, her eyes suddenly wide with curiosity.

It was too much. Her beautiful blue eyes, staring straight at him- just too much.

"Never mind," he muttered, and ran back to his desk, wondering _what in the heck _he had been thinking.

He _couldn't _ask her out. They were partners. Co-workers. Colleagues.

But he _wanted _to, oh-so-badly.

* * *

He walked up to the supply closet, his mind racing with thoughts of O'Hara. He opened the closet and stopped dead.

O'Hara gasped and scrambled to her feet. She had been cowering in the dark depths of the closet, her arms around her knees. Her eyes were red and her face tear-streaked.

"O'Hara, what is it?" he asked gently, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I just keep th-thinking about _him," _she whispered, her shoulders shaking. "About Yin. I d-don't know... I just don't f-feel safe anymore. I need _someone."_

_She needed someone. _So did he.

He almost asked that time. He almost asked her if she would ever be interested in... a guy like him. Because he was _more _than interested in- not in a girl like her, because there _wasn't _another girl like her. There was just Juliet. His Juliet.

As he drew her towards him, he realized that it probably wasn't the right moment, and somehow, he couldn't muster up the courage to do it anyway.

* * *

It was an impulse buy, more than anything else.

He glared down at the small object that rested in the palm of his hand, and the diamonds glittered back up at him rebelliously. What was he _thinking, _buying this wretched object? It wasn't appropriate. They hadn't ever dated.

But in all truth, their partnership- and friendship -was _better _than any number of dates. He knew her better than he knew any human being, and he knew she could say the same of him. They were best friends.

It _wasn't _inappropriate, he decided firmly. Not one bit.

If he were ever ready to ask, he had this helpful little object.

He slipped it into his pocket, just in case.

* * *

When he found out that she was dating that idiot Declan Rand, he was beyond disappointed. There was no way she would go for her old, cranky partner when this guy was around. Declan was rich, seemingly perfect, and young. Lassiter was too old for her. She needed somebody young and whole.

That was his only excuse for having hesitated so long.

He had a bad feeling about the guy, but he didn't know what to tell O'Hara. She seemed genuinely happy for the first time since Yin, and he couldn't just take that away from her.

Then they found him over the body. O'Hara was crushed. She came over to Lassiter's house that evening for advice.

"I can't believe it," she said, pushing through his front door, throwing her coat at him and collapsing on his couch. "He seemed so _sweet, _so _genuine. _I can't believe he's a murderer." She looked up at him with shining eyes.

_Don't start crying, don't start crying, please don't start crying, _he silently willed, but of course he wouldn't say it out loud.

"Love sucks, O'Hara," he said truthfully. "Love never works out. It's one of those things that tricks you into thinking you'll be happy and turns the tables at the last second. Love is impossible."

"Really?" she asked quietly. "Are you sure there isn't some- some way to be happy? There's gotta be _one _special person out there."  
_What the heck is she talking about? Could she possibly-? _No, no, of course not. It was all in his head.

"Nope," he said determinedly, saying the words forcefully in order to make himself believe it. "There are _no special people _out there. Even if something _looks _like it's gonna work out, it never will. In fact, if something good happens, you can bet it's the prelude to something very, very, bad."

"No exceptions?" she asked, looking even more upset than before.

"None," he said simply.

_Maybe, _he thought. He found his hand reflexing toward his pocket and he clenched it determinedly.

But he almost- just almost -got it out.

* * *

Just precious days later, once Rand's name had been unfortunately cleared, O'Hara came to him, bursting with excitement.

"Declan invited me to go to Italy with him," she beamed, sitting on Lassiter's desk. "I've always wanted to go there."

He looked her up and down before saying anything. She was happy all over again. Gosh, this guy truly made her happy.

After a few seconds, he was surprised to see she was still there. "What?" he asked finally.

She looked slightly hurt. "I want your _opinion, _Carlton. Do you think I should go?"

_Asking his opinion. _She wanted _his opinion._ He was very much inclined to tell her _no, a thousand times no, don't go with that creep, _but that was his biased opinion.

He reached inside his pocket and fingered the small object. "If he makes you happy, go with him. This is just the next step in your relationship."

"But you said a few days ago..." she shifted nervously. "You said if something good happens, it's the prelude to something bad."

"Did I say that?" Those days seemed like years ago.

"Yes." She looked at him impatiently.

He threw up his hands. "Follow your heart. Follow your instincts. Do what you think is best."

She looked at him with a determined expression on her face. "Okay," she said finally, and walked away.

* * *

"I need your help, McNabb."

It pained him to be going to the younger, naive officer for help, but McNabb was just the perfect patsy. He needed someone who could send a message to O'Hara without her suspecting anything.

"I have to leave soon, but I want to give a message to Detective O'Hara."

"But- Sir." McNabb looked very confused. "You're going to be with her the whole plane ride."

"It's not really something you say in person," Lassiter said awkwardly. "I want you to write it down and put it in her wallet when you take care of her passport."

"Oh. Okay." McNabb got out his notepad. "What is it?"

"You have to promise not to tell anyone, or I'll shoot you."

"Oh, it's a _secret." _McNabb smiled. "I get it. Alright, shoot." He winced at his poor choice of words. "Not really."

"Alright, um..." Lassiter straightened his tie. "Tell her that... I'm sorry about all the time I've wasted. I'm sorry that I haven't put my feelings on the table and done what I should have before. Tell her that if she's ever interested... I'm here."

McNabb stared at him. "You're basically telling her that-"

"I love her, yeah." He let it out in one breath.

"Wow. I would've never thought-" McNabb laughed. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

_No. _"Just do as I say, McNabb." He got up and strode away, gripping the tiny diamond _thing. _

McNabb sat there for a while, trying to think of what best to do given this situation- and what Shawn had just told him.

There was no good solution, only the obvious one. He decided, with unusual resolve, that he would disobey orders for the first time in his life and keep the note to himself. He merely folded up Lassiter's note and put it in his pocket.

* * *

"I broke up with Declan."

He glanced up at her. He had been so hyper-focused on finding Despereaux that he had almost forgotten about the note McNabb wrote, and Declan Rand, and the thing he had carried around for so long.

"Really?" He stared at her. "Was he mad at you for missing the trip to Italy?"

"No, it was me. I ended it." She shrugged and sat down next to him.

"Why?" His heart pounded faster as he remembered the note that he told McNabb to put in her wallet.

"No reason in particular. I just decided he's not the one, you know?"

She was hiding something, he could tell. The question was, what _was _it?

* * *

When she went into that house with Yang, he was terrified.

"Don't do it," he begged, seizing her shoulders. "O'Hara, please don't. If Yin _is _in that house..."

Tears came to her eyes and she threw her arms around his neck. "I know, Carlton. It's so hard for me. He'll _kill _me if he's in there, I know he will. But- but-" her lip started to tremble and she began sobbing into his shoulder.

He held her gently, running his fingers through her hair. _Should I? _He thought, remembering the item in his pocket. _It's now or never._

But before he could, the Chief was there. "Detectives?" she asked uncertainly, surveying the scene in front of her.

Juliet pulled herself off of Carlton, shoulders still shaking. "I'm sorry, Chief. I lost control. I'll just-"

"It's alright. I know how hard this must be for you. _Both _of you," she added, looking at Carlton knowingly. "We'll do everything to make sure you come out alive."

Carlton hugged his partner one more time. "I love you," he whispered so quietly he knew she couldn't hear.

She walked towards the house, trembling.

* * *

Twenty excruciating minutes later, she still hadn't come out. Lassiter turned to the Chief frantically.

"Call S.W.A.T.," he commanded, feeling shaky. "I want eyes on O'Hara in five minutes."

"Carlton-" the Chief looked up at him.

"I _mean _it," he said forcefully, and ran to the front door. He would open this himself if he had to. He kicked the door angrily, rammed against it, shot the lock. Nothing worked.

He swore loudly and hit the door harder. "Carlton!" the Chief shouted, running up towards him. He turned to face her.

"You're going to hurt yourself," she said calmingly, trying to lead him away, but he yanked out of her grasp.

"I don't _care. He's _going to hurt _her," _he said savagely, banging on the door with all his might. "Let me in there!" he bellowed, as if Yin could hear him. "You better not be hurting my partner, you twisted little-"

"_Carlton!" _the Chief pulled him away. "Calm _down. _They'll be here with the ram in a few minutes."

Breathing heavily, he pulled out of her grasp. "Fine," he muttered, walking away and finding a spot to sit on the ground while fingering the precious object in his pocket.

After another excruciating wait, the S.W.A.T. team was there. The Chief actually had to handcuff him to the mailbox to keep him out of the way while they knocked the door down.

When they finally did it, he yelled at her frantically to uncuff him, and once she did he flew to the door, his heart pounding.

"O'Hara!" he yelled, running to the living room. She wasn't there.

"O'Hara, are you in here?" he shouted. There was no reply.

"O'HARA!" he ran for the stairs, and finally, he heard someone call back.

"Carlton?"

He pounded down the stairs and saw her standing there. She was holding a rifle and her hair was soaked with blood.

"O'Hara, what the heck?" he breathed, running towards her, and at some point she started running too. She dropped the rifle with an unceremonious clunk and practically launched herself into his arms and for that moment, they were the only two people who existed.

"I was so scared," he murmured, lifting her into his arms and making for the stairs.

"So was I, but Carlton, you don't have to-" she broke off. "Put me down," she insisted.

"No," he said stubbornly, carrying her up and out the door.

Once they were out there, he insisted on checking her over for wounds, of which there were plenty, though none too serious. He wanted her admitted to the hospital but she said he was overreacting.

Spencer and Guster got out alive too, quite unfortunately. Spencer and O'Hara shared a friendly hug, and something about the way Spencer was looking at _his _partner made him cringe. But soon she was back in his arms. She was _his._

* * *

He found himself wandering down to the interrogation room, where he knew she was writing her statement. She would need help, comfort. The small, expensive diamond object was out of his pocket and clenched in his hand. He was ready. After all they had been through, he was ready.

First, though, he stopped in the viewing room just so he could see if she was already sobbing her heart out- because if she was, it might not be a good moment to ask what he was about to ask. He walked in and his heart stopped.

O'Hara was sitting at the table and Spencer was kissing her on the lips.

What's more, she was kissing him back.

* * *

The ring plummeted down through the water, sending bubbles up as it hit the sandy bottom of the ocean.

The fish stared at it, watching the diamonds glitter in the sunlight. Slowly, carefully, sand enveloped the diamond ring until it was no more.

The fish swam on, unperturbed.


End file.
